Here’s the ACTUAL 100% GENUINE SCAN of what I sent the Senator

And here’s the text of the letter:

October 20, 2015

Dear Senator Boxer-

Congratulations on your impending retirement, and thank you for your service. As a native Californian, I know without doubt that my life is better because of your tenure in Federal office.

I am particularly grateful for your efforts on Climate Change. I single this out because I’m relatively young. I was born in 1983, the same year you first took your seat in the House. As such, I’m much more likely to get killed by Climate Change than you are. So, I thank you for acting for me. And for my two children, aged 8 months and 3 years, who are the most likely of all of us to get killed by Climate Change. We thank you.

However, on the “us not getting killed” front, can we humbly ask that you do a smidge more?

In your 32 years on The Hill, you have undoubtedly formed bulletproof alliances, banked countless favors, and compiled mountains of insider knowledge. Imagine the possibilities if, to save future generations of Americans, you torch all of that in your final year of service.

Hear me out here – You don’t have to worry about re-election, and you never have to work with these people again. This is freedom that could change the world.

For example, when the President goes to Paris for the UN Climate Conference in November, you can recklessly burn bridges and twist arms to ensure that the Senate approves the most ambitious treaty terms possible. Abandon courtesy, call in favors without mercy, blackmail–stuff like that.

Then, filibuster all legislation that makes its way up into the Senate until concrete solutions on Climate Change are created in the House. Sure, you’ll get roasted in the media for it, but so what? In 15 short months, you’ll be retired and off the grid – daiquiris, Grafton, and sandy toes in Aruba, popsicle-blue surf shushing the stateside wonk jibber-jabber.

As a final legacy, float a 28th Amendment to The Constitution. Something along the lines of “The other stuff in this doc is pretty solid, but how about, first and foremost, no Congress, no matter how obstinate or beholden to campaign donors, shall be permitted to sentence future Americans to death by environment though legislative inaction.”

And, you know, I’m just spit-balling now, but the next time a fellow Senator says something untrue or unproductive about Climate Change, consider just slugging him/her. Imagine how you’d change the national conversation with a well-placed right hook! Squaring up would be ideal, but a sucker-punch would work, particularly as a metaphor.

With re-election out of the picture, it’s all on the table, Senator. I’m excited for what you can accomplish with nothing to lose (except for a truly staggering number of future American lives.)

Congratulations again, thanks again, and enjoy Aruba.  

Sincerely

Mike Beitiks